you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
