i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
