At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
