I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
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The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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