Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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