It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
