Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
