don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
