I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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