Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
