Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
