exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only you would photoshop your dick
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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