my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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