my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It was confusing and full of hummus
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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