The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
