my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Found your dick twin last night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
