Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
