So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
