i think my tv is drunk
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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