he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
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At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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