If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
