I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
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Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
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He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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