Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
