My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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