Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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