I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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