The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
