I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
