I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
