Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
