Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
