you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
