She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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