I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Everything about him screamed your future.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
