he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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