Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
