Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
