i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
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It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
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I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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