sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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