Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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