remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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