Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
