My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we're making bets on your personal life
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
