I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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