Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
