The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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