We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
