I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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