I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
