Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
