Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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