Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
