Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
