Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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