I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
