i would punch a child for taco bell
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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