Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
