is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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