got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
