My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
